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Post by Unger69 on Oct 1, 2010 17:06:58 GMT -6
I've got a lot to vent about..... For the majority of my life all I've ever known was anger and saddness....because of my family, and anyone who's done wrong to me. First off: My parents because they've never really acted like parents, they've only ever been interested in fighting with themselves, or fighting with me over small things that I do. For example: I'll say something with the wrong type of tone, and they jump my shit because of it. Which is why I'm hurt easily. Second: I've been betrayed by almost every friend that I've ever had. And the worst part of it is, I didn't do anything to deserve it! One Instance: It was the day after my birthday, and someone who I thought was my best friend ignored me the whole day, so finally I went up to her and asked her why she hated me? and all that she said was: "I don't hate you, I'm just annoyed by you." And that was it, our friendship was over and I became an outcast to society. And it became harder for me to trust people. But to help all of this, I turn my saddness and anger into poems, fanfictions, GMVs...Anything that can help express my feelings. There's also a part of me that's formed over the years...I try to keep it in check, but it keeps coming out. One person actually told me, that when the dark side of me emerges, my eyes turn pitch black. I believe that this is the product from years of anger, depression, and hatred all blended into one demon that desires for nothing more than to kill. Also because of all of this I've developed an anxiety disorder, which led to panic attacks which made it hard for me to breathe properly, concentrate, even live. I'm also sad to admit that I've planned to end my life a few times....I've got some scars on my left wrist to prove it. I guess that that's all I can say for now. *hugs* Perhaps hear me out? I had it a little too rough growing up. I learned to lie at a young age. I didn't want to dissapoint my parents so I made up friends that didn't exist. In reality, no one liked me. I was too "weird" for them. It was hard living with the same fellow classmates who from elementary to high school disliked you because of something they believed when they first met you in elementary. But through that, I learned that while I may be my ownly friend some days, there are people you can talk to. I have a few friends now that I can talk to and I know that you guys here will listen as well. If you ever need to talk I know at least one of us on the forums will listen. I know it's hard to trust people, I can't even trust my own dad most of the time, but we are here for you. Don't feel like you can't do it. You're not alone in this. You're not the only one with scars from the past. I like to prove people wrong. It gives me fuel to try harder and rub my success into other peoples faces.
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Post by Kyashi on Oct 1, 2010 21:05:39 GMT -6
I'm sorry to hear about all that, Brixta... *hugs* Like Unger said, you have friends here who will listen to you and support you... Nobody had a perfect upbringing, so you're not alone in that. It's hard to trust people when all you've ever experienced is disappointment and betrayal, but there are real people in this world who won't treat you like that. I hope you will find that out for yourself very soon, if not later on in life. No trusting friends can enter your life if you leave the door shut and locked up...
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Post by Baka Neko on Oct 2, 2010 2:33:26 GMT -6
Thanks you guys. I've got it settled. She's had too many forgiving words from me, and this rumor, pushed me to a place where I never want to see or hear from her again. For the last year, she wasn't really a best friend, we've just been friends for so long, that it was just assumed. So when I heard this rumor, no matter how much she begged, I had no remorse when I said "I'm done with you. you've run out of chances. I want nothing to do with you." and I ended everything. But it's really sweet to see you guys caring. Thank you so much for a support, because despite how easy it was to say "eff you. I'm done" - it is still hard losing someone I considered a best friend for about ten years. Brixta Sparks - I wish I was in a position to tell you I know what you're going through, but I can't. I've only been through depression about three times in the almost 21 years I've been living, and in the end, living became more important than anything I thought about that made me feel sorry for myself or depressed like I was. I am so sorry what you are going through is hard, I can totally see that it would be. I can't even imagine the pain you go through, and I really, really wish I could help you some way. But I do want to let you know, that reaching out and talking to people, can help. Finding friends in someone is what I wanted when I was in the state I was in, and I was lucky enough to look in the right places. I want you to know, you are not alone and I'm here as much as I can be and I'll always be wishing you the best. With lots and lots of love. <3
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Post by dyzzispell on Oct 2, 2010 10:09:44 GMT -6
Baka - so true. I've had a few friends stab me in the back over the years, but I don't know - or don't remember - if any rumors happened or not. But yes, even with those you're not crazy close with anymore, it still hurts to lose a friend. A LOT. Brixta - I totally wish I could just hug you and comfort you right now, somehow. Life really sucks, sometimes. I will tell you though, that you sound a lot like my brother, who got bullied like crazy in school. A lot of what you wrote sounds exactly like things he's said to me. True, we never had problems with our parents the way you do, but he got treated like the runt at school and it messed him up bigtime. Then my father ended up with Alzheimers, and my brother and mom were the only ones living in the house with him through the disease, so he watched his father degrade the whole time and couldn't get away from it. He tried to help where he could, but there was only so much he could do, so he felt terribly helpless too. My father passed in 2007 and my brother had a rough time after that. He was having a lot of trouble with depression and wanting to end his life. He'd go to work - if he had a job - and just come home and hide in his room. He had no clue how he was ever going to get his own life. And then he met a girl who changed him. She lived in Missouri and moved out here for him. But after a couple of years and sick parents, she wanted to move back home to be near them. He decided to go with her. My brother, who was so scared of life and leaving his own room, who had a crazy fear of tornadoes yet had never experienced one, up and moved halfway across the country, away from everything he knew, into Tornado Alley. He has his own apartment now, and a job, and his life is finally beginning to come together for him. Point being - hang in there. If you really fight for it, things will get better. But it may take a long time to get there. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." First heard that quote in the movie "The Princess Diaries", but it is so true. I just found a page with a lot of her other quotes, too. Take a look at it when you have some time - it might help to encourage you. www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Eleanor_RooseveltI will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.
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Post by dyzzispell on Oct 2, 2010 13:35:54 GMT -6
Ok, so I'd like to ask for the opportunity to rant again, if I may. But this is going to get LONG. Last night, after I posted the story about my cousin, it opened up a floodgate I wasn't expecting. I started thinking more about the whole thing, and my family, and it all just crashed down on me. I was in tears on and off for the rest of the night. See, I didn't realize it until last night, but my cousin was sort of like a hero to me. Here he was, 22 years old, and hanging out with me, a 15-year-old and my brother, who was 10. He totally didn't have to do that, but he did. And it meant the world to us. Especially since my brother and I didn't have many friends, and most of the ones we did have, had already abandoned us for others or else moved away. Now, earlier this year, I had a bit of a falling out with my two older brothers on FB, and it included my cousin, but I need to give a little background first. When I became a Christian at 14, I had that "holier-than-thou" attitude, where I thought I was right and the rest of the world should just know that and stop being stupid. I treated my brothers very badly because they didn't believe in God. Then I went to a Christian college where I met people even worse than me who treated me the same way I'd been treating my brothers, and I realized how wrong it was and I've worked very hard to this day to be careful what I say so as not to be misinterpreted as a "know-it-all". Plus, I've changed, and I don't see things the way I did back then, anyway. Anyway, my brothers now consider themselves both atheists. I wouldn't care, except that they kept posting things that were demeaning to Christians. Yeah there are Christians out there who say and do stupid things, but the stuff they posted made us all feel that they thought we were blind idiots. Not only that, but when one of my cousins posted something about needing prayer after the loss of her father to cancer, one of my brothers felt the need to write, "Don't expect a response from some invisible deity. " As if the winkie smilie made that comment ok??? Seriously, there are some things you just don't say! So I said something about them not needing to comment on everything and they got real mad at me for that. Somewhere along the way, on one of the articles they posted, a very heated discussion on religion started. So I tried to pipe in by just posing questions, and not attacking them. I just wanted to make them think and consider the possibility that there may be alternate explanations for things. Then my cousin got involved and posed questions too. I then asked him a question in return. The response he came back with was so demeaning, he might as well have said, "That's nice that you're trying, sweetie, but stay out of this and let the big boys play." My husband jumped in and said my question to Erik was justified and that his comment was uncalled for. My brothers then attacked us in return, one even calling my husband a "salad-bar Christian" who only takes what he likes from Christianity and leaves the rest out. As if my brother knows what real Christianity is, that he should be considered the expert to go to? So I started PMing Erik about the discussion, and he responded by telling me about how much more well-equipped he was to deal with my brothers than I was, since he'd spent the last 7 years studying the Bible 8-12 hours a day and led so many people to Christ. I kid you not - he actually said that. He also "rebuked" me, as he called it, for getting involved and starting fires. I can't tell you how much that hurt, but I ignored it, and moved on. Several PMs went back and forth after that, because apparently he felt the need to explain doctrine to me. I haven't gotten to really talk to him in 20 years, and he assumed so much about my spiritual state? I had to eventually just tell him we're not getting anywhere and stop the pm'ing. But all of that - it really hurt. I didn't really put it all together until last night. That hero, the one from my teenage years, was gone forever. But besides that, I have practically no family left to enjoy spending time with. My father died 3 years ago, my two older brothers want nothing to do with us, my younger brother who was my best friend for many years moved to Missouri, and I have no grandparents. My mother's side of the family loves telling secrets and starting rumors - they said some NASTY things about my mom while she was caring for my bedridden father - so they're the kind of people you want to keep your distance from. Besides the fact that they treat you like you're eternally 5 years old. My dad's family is all gone, except his youngest sibling and her children and their families. Once in a while my mom and I will get to hang out with her and my oldest cousin who is in her 40s, and we all have a blast together, but outside of that, I have no family left to enjoy stuff with. I feel like I'm pity-partying all over you guys. Please believe that I'm not. Yes, I'm venting and I'm hurting, but I'll get past it soon enough. I just felt like I needed to get it out somewhere that I hate the fact that I have so few friends (and that's if I include you guys!) and so little family. Sometimes it just really gets to me, you know? Sure, my in-laws are a great replacement, but it's still just not the same. And my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me, but there are still relationships that he just can't replace. Ok, I think I'm done. For now, anyway.
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Post by AllyKatt on Oct 2, 2010 13:50:59 GMT -6
you don't have to apologize for venting in the venting thread, hon.
and *hugs*
just know that you're not alone.
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Post by avyquinn on Oct 2, 2010 16:48:50 GMT -6
you don't have to apologize for venting in the venting thread, hon. and *hugs* just know that you're not alone. QFT
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Post by avyquinn on Oct 2, 2010 16:49:19 GMT -6
I'm sorry to hear about all that, Brixta... *hugs* Like Unger said, you have friends here who will listen to you and support you... Nobody had a perfect upbringing, so you're not alone in that. It's hard to trust people when all you've ever experienced is disappointment and betrayal, but there are real people in this world who won't treat you like that. I hope you will find that out for yourself very soon, if not later on in life. No trusting friends can enter your life if you leave the door shut and locked up... Once, again... QFT. And Neko. Sorry you had to take care of that in the way that you did. It sucks, but sometimes you can only come so far with someone before you're no longer destined to walk the same path anymore.
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Post by Kyashi on Oct 2, 2010 19:16:29 GMT -6
Aww... dyzz... You know I love you, my dear!! You are so awesome, and why your own family cannot see that is beyond my comprehension. I've never even met you in person, and I can tell you are a wonderful person... That makes me so sad about your family because my family is actually really close, and we all get along really well. I even get along with my brother who bullied me to no end when we were kids, now. You've got us, at least, and I hope we can lift you up in anyway, ease your burdens, and lighten the darkness... Hey, this goes for all of you here, too... I've totally had fall-outs with friends before, but somehow managed to repair most all of them. I just let life do its thing, and voila! I had a very, very good friend who betrayed me about 10 years ago, over a very, very stupid man. While I thought I was growing closer to him, and I was, and considering him, she was running around with him behind my back. Yeah. And, trying to get rid of me. It was a couple of months before I even knew why she was being so horrible to me, all of a sudden. The jerk-face's Marine buddy (he was a Marine, too) discovered the two of them in the middle of the night, one night, and told me all about it, 'cause I think they confessed to him. Well, that just sucked, even though I had decided not to date the jerk-face guy, already. Still. But, jerk-face suddenly decided to ditch the Marine Corps, drove all the way back home to Texas without even telling her anything about it! She had to call me to see if I knew where he was, but I didn't. Then, some months later, she visited him at his ranch, and found out that he was totally NOT the person she, or we, thought. He had lied about most everything that he claimed to be. Still, he proposed to her, but she broke up with him. A couple of months later, she suddenly called me up, and told me everything. I don't think she technically apologized, but I knew she was so sorry about everything. I loved her to death, so I totally forgave her, and we are still great friends to this day. We can go years without seeing each other, and the minute we do, it's like no time passed whatsoever. If ya'll get the chance, do try to forgive those folks that were, and likely, are still precious to you. I would have regretted never forgiving my dear friend. We are all human. We make mistakes. ALL of us. I hope I don't sound preachy! Good Lord! I'm in no position to be preachin', but I'm just sharing my own experience...
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Post by AllyKatt on Oct 2, 2010 20:47:37 GMT -6
stupid girl: posting a little plea on your FB for someone to find you a hotel room within "reasonable distance" of the javits TODAY ... for NEXT WEEKEND ... when it's NEW YORK COMIC CON/ANIME FESTIVAL weekend ... is COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS.
me saying "yeah, it could happen..." wasn't really sarcasm, so much as saying "good luck with that!"
you getting snotty with me? just makes you look even dumber.
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Post by dyzzispell on Oct 2, 2010 21:37:54 GMT -6
Everyone - thanks for all the encouragement. It means the world to me. Kyashi - you are such a sweetheart! No worries about the forgiveness or grudges or anything though. I'm not angry at any of them, just hurt and confused. I don't understand how we got here, you know? But if they ever came back and wanted to make up, I'm all for it. Yeah, I'd definitely have some trust issues, but it would be a start. And why, if you might ask, wouldn't I go to them and try to fix it? Because I know my oldest brother said he wanted space and he'd come back when he's ready. And the other brother won't talk to me. As for the rest of the family, I just feel like they're the kind of people you're better off not giving too much info to, because they'll find a way to use it against you. That's simply a matter of being cautious. Eh, all's good. I'll be fine in no time. This is just similar to the phases I go through when I think too much about how I miss my dad. Ally - yeah, smart girl. The fact that it is two huge cons merged couldn't have ANY affect on hotel space, right? Some people really just don't get it, huh? I'm actually really concerned about parking...
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Post by AllyKatt on Oct 7, 2010 8:16:31 GMT -6
i'm having a blah day. ugh. my throat hurts, but i really don't want to get sick! casey's reception is saturday, and i haven't seen her in SO long! the reception is going to be just a few of her friends, and a ton of her new husband's friends and family, so i REALLY want to be there for her. also, amazon picked TODAY {the projected arrival date} to inform me that my kilt hose are NOT going to be here any time soon, it'll probably be next week. i don't have time to find some more to order now, and shopping options are really limited where i live. raaaawr. can't cancel the order, either, because it shows in "shipping soon" mode. so, yeah. just having a blah day. i'll get over it.
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Post by astrid on Oct 7, 2010 9:45:21 GMT -6
Aww sorry to hear Ally I like Amazon a lot but I've had some problem with their shipping in the past too. And yes...you'll get over it but it's still nice if you can get it off your chest ;D
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Post by Kyashi on Oct 7, 2010 18:44:02 GMT -6
Yeah, that kind of thing happens with third party sellers at Amazon all the time. I buy from them regularly. Just need to order WAY in advance, if possible, if you need something soon. But, I hear ya, Ally! I also hope you don't get sick... Stay well...
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Post by dyzzispell on Oct 16, 2010 13:30:49 GMT -6
Well, I'm feeling a bit beat up and I really need to vent.
Now, I know most of you have no desire for children, and quite frankly, I'm not sure why I still want kids. But whatever the case, I still do and it's still not happening.
And last night we found out that my husband's stepsister, who got married in July 2009 and is 5 years younger than me, is now expecting. This was the one we were dreading, because now it really is like we're the only ones without kids. Whe she said it, I felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. I don't know how I kept it together, but I did manage to look happy for her until we got back in the car at least. Then I fell apart.
Funny thing is, I really thought I'd come to terms with the no kids issue for the time being. I really thought I was fine with the whole thing. Well, apparently that facade was paper-thin, as it didn't take much to poke a hole in it.
At least my husband and I are equally in pain over this, because then we have each other to lean on. But I am sooooo not looking forward to Christmas this year. My husband has a couple of relatives who seemingly like to make sure I/we are within earshot when they gush over their grandchildren and discuss what my husband's stepsister will experience. On top of that, my husband's cousin, who just got married this July, is already expecting too, so add that to the mix and there's a lot of knife-twisting that seems to happen when we're around.
It's like every time I think I've caught my breath, I get punched in the stomach again. I wonder if it'll ever end.
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